Conflicted

She's here!

2008-07-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

She was born on June 14th at 10:00am. She weighed 6 lbs 15 oz and was 19 inches long.

I wont' even bother apologizing for taking so long to update because I know you all understand. I am trying to write this now while nursing so it will be short. We went in Friday evening June 13 and had the laminaria placed in my cervix to hopefully make it dilate. The process was uncomfortable but not bad. That night I had a little cramping but nothing much else. Saturday morning we went in at 8:00 and I was hooked up to the fetal heart monitor and contraction monitor. The doctor removed the laminaria and I was 1.5 cm dilated! She then placed cervadil to get contractions started. Things were going well until about 9:30 when the nurse came in and at the same time the baby moved out of the way of the heart monitor. When she found the heart beat again it was 50 bpm. The nurse immediately called in the other nurses, put my bed down, put an oxygen mask on my face, placed an IV catheter and paged the doctor all in about 5 minutes. I was a little freaked out but I remained very calm. My husband was there and my mom was planning on getting there at 10:00. The doctor came in and it happened again so she placed an internal monitor. That process pretty much sucked. Once it was in the baby's heart rate was fine and the doctor started talking to me about the possibility of a c-section just in case and while she was talking the heart rate dropped again to 40 bpm. At that point the doctor said, "It looks like were going for a c-section." I said ok. They wheeled me in, slammed in the spinal block (I mean it took 30 seconds but didn't hurt) and started cutting. The baby was born at 10:00! She had defecated in utero and swallowed some of the amniotic fluid. They took her to the nicu for observation. My husband followed her the whole time and when they got the the nicu the attending asked when the baby was doing there because she was fine and didn't need to be there. Anyway, when I heard that I felt much better. They watched her while they closed me up. I told several nurses that I wanted to breast feed as soon as possible. The took me to recovery and brought my beautiful daughter to me and I was able to nurse her at 11:20. Not too bad since they say you should try to nurse within 30-60 minutes after birth. They took her to the nursery after that while I recovered and then the rough part started. I was incredibly nauseas. I vomited every 15 minutes for about 2 hours. It was miserable. It took about an hour for me to warm up in recovery then they took me to my room and brought the baby in. I was trying to nurse her and vomit at the same time. I managed to do it but that first day was rough. I barely remember my friend coming to visit me. I was really tired too. My mom stayed in the room with me the first night because I needed more help than my poor husband could manage. The baby roomed in with us and my mom would hold her until she wanted to nurse then I would nurse her and give her back to my mom who would do everything else. Neither of us slept that whole first night. The second night was similar but I was able to get up and be a little more helpful. I was planning on going home after 48 hours. My doctor gave me the option of staying 2 or 3 days. By the second day however I was really exhausted and so was my mom so I decided to stay the third day. It was the best decision I made. I sent my mom home the third night so she could get a good night sleep and I had the nurses take care of the baby over night while I slept. I kept her until around midnight then they brought her to me at around 3am and 6am. I was able to sleep for a couple of hours in between and if was great. Plus it was nice not having anyone else around so I could just spend time with my precious baby girl. Things have been going great ever since.

Nursing is going pretty well. She cluster feeds during the day and I think my mom and mother-in-law think I'm insane but I'm telling you she wants to nurse about every 30 minutes to 1 hour. She sleeps for about 3 hours at a stretch overnight which is great for me. I have been pumping and able to build up enough milk for a car trip nearly every day. This means about 3-4 ounces. I wish I could build up more of a supply. I really need to get a breastfeeding book to get some tips and advice. I am planning to start working two 12 hour shifts and the baby will be 8 weeks old. My husband will be with her while I am at work which is great because we won't need daycare. I am not sure I will have enough milk for him to last 12 hours. Does anyone have any experience they can share.

As far as the donor egg issue. Not one anymore. I love this little girl more than I ever thought possible and I can't imagine my life without her. In fact I had decided before that I would not go back on the pill because the optimist in me thought what if I was able to get pregnant on my own by some miracle. Well, now I am having second thoughts because what if I did manage to get pregnant on my own then I would have a full biological child and I don't ever what this baby to feel anything other than completely loved and wanted. How do people manage this issue. Anyway, I'm sure it's pure fantasy anyway and nothing I need to worry about right now.

4 days overdo

2008-06-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

Well, here's how it went. I went in last Thursday night, the night before my due date, and had cervidil placed at 6:45 p.m. I started having contractions at 1:30 a.m. The cervidil was taken out at 6:45 the next morning and I was still not dilated at all. Then my doctor placed cytotec and checked me again 4 hours later, still no dilation. After one more double dose of cytotec and 4 hours later, still no dilation!!! I was having decent contractions but not incredibly uncomfortable and obviously completely unproductive. At about 6 p.m. Friday not I was started on oxytocin to see if that would result in stronger contractions and subsequent dilation. Those contractions were more dramatic but still not unbearable. The rate was slowly increased up to about half max and at 10:00 that night still NO DILATION!!! Needless to say I was a little frustrated at that point. After talking to the doctor about my options we decided to quit. I stayed over night for observation and fetal monitoring and was discharged Saturday morning. I continued to have some contractions over the next couple of days. I had an appointment yesterday and still NO DILATION. The plan now is to go in Friday evening to have Laminaria placed. Then I will go home and hopefully my cervix will dilate 1-2 cm overnight. I will be admitted to the hospital on Saturday morning for the induction. Hopefully it will be successful this time.

As far as our move across the country...the closing has now be changed to remote, the movers have been instructed to put off delivery for several days and we are trying to change our flights. What a royal hassle. The good news is that we are very happy where we are staying for the time being. Our friend has been good enough to put us up. I can't nest much or do anything to set up the baby's room but I am managing.

The great news is that the baby tolerated last weekend's induction attempt very well. The heart rate never decreased and the baby continued to move regularly. I am very happy and thankful about that.

I am ready. Is that obvious? I would be a little more patient if it wasn't for this move. The timing is just bad. Figures, right?

8 days left on my countdown clock

2008-05-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

Last night was the breastfeeding class. It was the best class we've had so far. I learned a lot. Dh came along mostly at my request and was pretty good. It occurred to me last night that I think he may have a touch of ADD. All the other partners were quiet and paying attention, at least they looked like they were paying attention. But my "partner" was coughing, fidgiting, whispering commentary, reading the handouts etc. There were a couple of times during the class that I kinda wanted to giggle but I held back. Especially during the video showing breastfeeding simulation with animation. I think my mouth dropped open when I saw how far in the mouth the nipple was sucked. I wanted to laugh but I managed to keep it in. One very funny moment was when the nurse was describing how you can use an ice cube to bring the nipple out more and when she finished this description and the room was silent dh let out a "huh?" Then quickly tried to cover it by clearing his throat. The nurse then went on to thank all the partners for being there to support the mothers etc. We laughed really hard about it later. The other kinda comical moments were when the nurse kept emphasizing how you need to nurse every 2-3 hours AROUND THE CLOCK! Every time she said that dh and I looked at each other with big eyes with the thought holy shit! He told me last night that maybe he would go sleep in the other room for the first month since I would be up all night breastfeeding and what would he do? I said, how about change the diaper and burp the baby. Then he said, "oh." We are actually having a lot of fun joking about how the hell we are going to manage the transition. I hope we do well and can still laugh a few weeks into it.

I have everything we need for the beginning. We are living with a friend until the baby is born and we can move into our new house a couple of weeks later so the conditions are not ideal. We have a co-sleeper, some clothes a car seat and some diapers, oh and a wipe warmer that my friend gave me :) Other than that I don't think we need much else at least for now.

I'm still trying to decide whether or not to go for the induction on my due date if conditions are favorable and I haven't gone on my own. I am conflicted because I want to let things go naturally but I also want to see this baby and be able to move into our new house! My doctor only lets her patients go 1 week past their due date anyway. It's tough to not be able to plan things especially when so much of this journey has been planned. Now I have to "wait and see." It's not easy to do.

37 1/2 weeks / mood swings

2008-05-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

Saturday was our childbirth class at the hospital. We had to go the all day route because our schedule wouldn't work with the weekly class. I have been having some difficulty understanding DH lately because he doesn't seem as interested in talking about baby stuff nearly as much as I am. He talked a lot during the newborn care class and made fun of the instructor and people in the class. I admit that the instructor was a little too cutesy and condescending at times but I wanted to learn anything I could while hubby just rolled his eyes. He brought something else to read (granted he is studying for a major exam right now) in case the childbirth class got boring too. Right off the bat when we got there and had to put our names on a name tag and wear them in class he wrote his name in a way that was illegible. I hate to be a nag but I went ahead and said "Do you think anyone will be able to read that?" I mean sometimes he does things a little bit on purpose to make a point. Maybe he was communicating that he didn't want to be there and maybe he wasn't but I, of course, assumed the former and I started crying just as the class started. I went to the bathroom and cried for a while then came back. As the class went on we watched a video of a baby being born and the mother in the video was so excited and crying that I started crying and had to leave the room again. I'm sure the other couples were wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I almost couldn't come back because I was so overcome with emotion. DH came out to check on me and I managed to pull it together again and we finished the class. Later he talked to me for a while about how he is excited and has been putting too much importance on the exam and not enough on the baby etc. etc. It was very nice to hear especially since I didn't have to ask. I know he is as happy as I am about the baby and he has been very supportive but sometimes I don't understand why it's not the only thing he thinks about and he doesn't understand why I can't think of anything else. I know I probably don't need all these classes or to read all the books but I am just scared and I want to be a good mom. He thinks we can just go with the flow and I think it's very scary to know we will soon be responsible for another living being (other than our pets) who relies on us for everything including emotional support and I just hope I can give it.

Other than the mood swings and a little bit of lower back pain I have no other physical signs right now. I have not had any contractions that I know of and from what my friend tells me I will know. I will still have the OB check my cervix tomorrow at my appointment just for fun :) It would be better if I had the baby closer to my due date but I am so excited to meet him or her that I want it to happen NOW! I'm not yet to the point of misery with my big belly and I'm not sure I ever will be. In fact I am a little nervous that I will really miss being pregnant especially since this could be it for me. I am worried that I will look at other pregnant women with envy again after the baby is born. Is that silly or what. I really hope I don't. It is a shame that finally becoming pregnant after infertility does not "cure" one of all those fears and negative emotions. I just hope I am able to "let it go" after the baby gets here so I don't pass those shitty feelings onto him or her. Maybe once I get my body back (or at least some of it) I will realize how good it feels to be able to do normal things again like tie my shoes and put on socks. I have had dreams of running lately. I look forward to being able to do that again!

That was a bit of a ramble but now you have an idea of where I am emotionally right now.

Thanks for reading!

I am still here!

2008-05-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted. I am sorry to anyone who cares! I have been incredibly busy. I finished and defended my Masters in April, we sold our house and moved out 3 days ago and we bought a new house half way across the country! I have hardly had time to think about my pregnancy but that is not really true because I look at my belly in awe every day! Things are going great! I feel great and have had no real problems. I have hardly complained at all, according to my husband. I did have some really bad acid reflux problems starting about a month ago. After several different medications and some lifestyle adjusments things are MUCH better. I still get the occasional bout but nothing like before.

I am now having weekly check-ups with my OB. So far I am 50% thinned with no dilation. I have not had any contractions other than Braxton Hicks which I have had almost the whole time. I am officially due June 6th. My mom is coming out on June
1st the day my husband leaves to take his board exam! He'll be gone until the 3rd. Hopefully I don't go into labor while he is away. If I am showing signs of impending labor but have not started by June 6th then I have asked my doctor to induce me. We are closing on our new house on June 16th and I am scheduled to fly out on June
19th. We are getting some flack for trying to make plans around a baby but shit, everything related to this baby has been planned so why not this?! Right?! Anyway, we'll see how everything works out but I have told the baby that anytime on June 4,5 or 6 will work out great for us :)

I had two baby showers that were just great. I cried a lot especially when I opened the first gift. I really felt like it's my turn for a change and I was very emotional. I guess I am ready for the baby. I have a car seat, some diapers and clothes. Since we are living with a friend right now I have no baby room to decorate. The baby will be born with no real address, practically homeless, but to loving parents and great friends. When we move in June I'll be able to decorate a nursery for the baby and by then I'll know what it is and can really go to town. Plus my mom and mother-in-law will be there which only means one thing, shopping and mom's paying!

We are moving to massachusetts so if anyone out there in blogland wants to meet I would love it.

That's it for now. I will keep you posted since now that I am not working and living in a basement, I have nothing to do but think and play on the computer.

6 random things about myself

2008-02-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Stacyb, for the tag

The Rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I nickname animals and people. All my pets have at least 3 different names. My Greyhound, for example, is named Cheyenne. I also call her Shiny and Sticks because her legs are long and thin like sticks. When thinking of baby names, we took into consideration nicknames and sure enough the girl name we chose has 3 variations!

2. I drink a glass of orange juice every morning with breakfast, never fail. I will let the cupboards go bare (because I hate grocery shopping) but if I see the OJ is getting low I take a trip to the store because my morning is not complete without it. I like lots of pulp by the way.

3. This is harder than I thought...um...I love to laugh. A youtube video that makes me roll laughing is the cat that says "oh long johnson." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONmhQJy1ViA&feature=related
I hope you think it's funny too.

4. I leave crumbs on the counter and it drives my husband crazy. He doesn't rinse his spit in the sink after brushing his teeth and that drives me crazy.

5. I listen to Broadway musical soundtracks and Blink 182.

6. I'm addicted to Project Runway for reasons that I am not aware of.

I've tagged dmarie, feebee and serenity!

24 weeks today!

2008-02-14T16:51:00.000-08:00

Well, I have officially entered the third trimester. What a relief. As well as things are going I still worry, as I know you all understand all too well. I asked my OB what the "magical" numbers were for successful results with an early labor. She said the first cut off is about 24 weeks but not without serious complications and a difficult road for the baby. The next cutoff is 28 weeks when survival and a chance at a good outcome are good. I am sorry that I still have these negative thoughts. It's hard not to and I guess in a way still a sorry attempt at self-preservation. Like if I somehow know the facts that I will be able to handle it better if things go bad. Of course I know that nothing makes it easier to handle. I have been visualizing myself sleeping in bed with my healthy, full-term baby in the co-sleeper next to me sleeping soundly.

I have been terribly sick this week with the flu. Even though I was vaccinated, I guess I caught a different strain. It was the sickest I have been since I can remember. I was worried about the baby but the OB nurse gave me guidelines and reassured me. I am over the worst of it now. The baby has been moving like crazy the past 3 days. Probably because there is no action on the outside to stimulate him/her. I have been bed-ridden and sleeping most of the time, other than vomiting.

I bought a glider rocking chair. It's made by Dutailier and it's the biggest one they had. I love it! It's very roomy and comfy and I sit in it every night. I wonder if the baby feels me rocking? I look forward to holding the baby in my arms while I am sitting in it. We are fortunate in that several family members and friends have offered baby furniture and supplies so we don't have much to buy. So we decided to splurge on the rocking chair and I am considering splurging on a stroller. It's fun to finally start thinking about these things.

21 weeks 6 days

2008-01-30T12:26:00.001-08:00

Everything is going fine. I have been away from the blog for a while and am just catching up. I am sad by what I have read so far. Some of my blog friends are experiencing terrible things. I don't want to spend time celebrating my happiness right now when so many others are having such a hard time. I will say that I am grateful, now more than ever, that I have this lovely baby inside me. I hope everyone gets there.

18 weeks 3 days

2008-01-06T14:52:00.000-08:00

Everything is going well, I am happy to report. My belly continues to grow and it feels so good. I have my next OB appointment on Tuesday but no ultrasound yet. I am pretty sure I can feel the baby move at night when I lie down in bed. It is subtle but there. My husband asks me all the time to show him my belly. Sometimes I get a little annoyed but I forget that he doesn't get to touch it all day like I do. This morning he asked again and when I showed him he just said "Oh my god, I love it!" I think sometimes he is a little surprised to see it actually growing. We have waited so long it feels unreal sometimes.

I have been catching up on posts and the pain I read in some makes me feel so sad. I am also reminded how fragile this and all pregnancies are and I start feeling a little worried. I feel so lucky and grateful to be at this stage. I hope I never take it for granted. Sometimes I still get a little feeling of regret at not getting to have a child that is biologically mine and my DH's but then I wouldn't have this one and I love this one even if it won't look like me. Some women who have used a DE have said that once they became pregnant they never thought about the fact that it was a DE. That is not the case for me. I do think about it especially when genetics comes up in everyday conversation. I think I am more worried for my child's well-being and relationship with me when he/she gets older. I don't ever want anything to come between me and my intense love for my baby. My hope is that by the time my child grows old enough to be told this will be a fairly commonplace thing and he/she will know at least one other child in the same position and can find support that way. For now though, I am just happy that I get to experience carrying my child for 40 weeks. I know it would have been just as great to create a family through adoption in a different way but the hormones are making me love life right now and it just feels good.

16 weeks, 6 days

2007-12-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

My abdominal muscles are stretching and I can hardly believe they will stretch enough to contain a huge baby and all that goes with it. Some days I don't feel anything and other days every time I move my muscles feel like Stretch Armstrong!

I am visiting my family and it has been fun but stressful at times. I talked to my dad the first night I got here. Luckily I had the opportunity to be alone with him and I told him there was something I wanted to talk to him about. The first thing he said was "What, do you need money?" I haven't asked him for money since college and that wasn't pretty. He is a bit of a freak, I'll admit. I said no it's about the pregnancy. I started to tell a brief summary of what we went through (he didn't even know we were trying) and he cut me off a couple of times saying he didn't want to hear about "all that." Finally, I said, "If you don't want to know that's fine." But he said he did. When I got to the part about IVF he said well it is yours and DH's at least. And I said, "not exactly." So I told him our only options were adoption or DE so we chose DE. He was ok with it. I told him we told only the immediate family and may tell others in the future but for now we didn't want to share with anyone else or have our family share with anyone else. He even said, "Well, you didn't even have to tell us." I explained that we want to tell the child and didn't want the child laying the news on Grandma or Grandpa one day out of nowhere. Anyway, his attitude was now that everyone knows it doesn't matter anymore. He never said another word about it. Later he was worried about the dog jumping on me and "hurting the baby." That made me smile. What a huge relief. My sister has not mentioned it either although she did ask me if I thought the baby would get a certain mole, she called it (I call it a beauty mark because it's flat) I have. My sister is a little weird and it although it is likely that it was an innocent remark, I would never put it past her to make a statement like that to see how I would react. I ignored it. My mom brought it up once which was ok. But I made it pretty clear that I don't want to keep having conversations about it. This is our baby and I would like to move on from there. There is nothing more to say about it. I hope she manages to stick to that.

I am going home tomorrow and I can't wait. DH misses me. He is going to be surprised at how much my belly has grown in 9 days. We are talking about whether or not to find out the sex since our 20-week ultrasound is coming up in a few weeks. I don't want to find out but he is on the fence. I think it would be fun to have one surprise in all of this. Plus I like green and yellow! What do you all think?

14 wks 4 days

2007-12-10T07:39:00.002-08:00

Wow, time has gone by fast. I haven't updated for a while. I finished my meds over two weeks ago and so far so good. I still look at the toilet paper every time but more out of habit now than true fear. I have had a terrible cold the past 4 days and that makes me nervous too. I have my next OB appointment tomorrow but I won't get a scan until 20 weeks! I am sad about that. I finally broke down and bought some maternity pants the other day. My regular pants still fit but I have to leave the button undone and they start to hurt after a while. I felt self-conscious in the maternity department because I don't look obviously pregnant. But when I slipped those elastic-waist pants on it was like heaven! They are so comfortable. So I bought two pair. My husband totally loves my growing belly. He wants to look at it all the time. It makes me feel so good. I am so happy we opted for this unconventional way of making a family. I knew I wanted to experience pregnancy and that was an important factor in our decision to use a DE but I had no idea how much I would love being pregnant. Now I know I haven't reached the more uncomfortable stage yet but if it's even half as good as this stage I will love it too!

I am going to visit my family next week and I plan to tell my dad that we used a donor egg. I have no idea what he will think or say. He is a loving dad but doesn't always say the right thing. He can be stubborn and sometimes even cruel with his words without really meaning to be. I know he won't totally understand the whole process but I hope he tries to be compassionate. I'm afraid he is going to make some comment about how the baby won't look like our side of the family. And he probably will. I guess the worst that will happen is that I will start crying and that will make him feel bad right away. A little guilt can be helpful in times like these.

Another quickie, 11 wk 4 d

2007-11-19T18:33:00.000-08:00

I had my first appointment with the "regular" OB today. Actually, it was with the nurse practitioner. I ended up changing my OB after reading some of your posts and comments and so far I am very happy with the new clinic. I heard the heartbeat with the doppler today. It was such a relief as is every time I have evidence that there is a real, healthy baby inside me. Thanksgiving day will be 12 weeks and I am so looking forward to that day. We will finally tell everyone we can that I am pregnant. I have been tempted to start sooner but hold myself back out of fear. We've made it this far we can wait a few more days. I have only gained 2 pounds so far but my belly is starting to stick out (more than usual). Only 3 more nights of shots in the butt and gel up the cooch and sticky squares on my belly, I am so happy about that. Although, I am a little nervous to stop cold turkey. More later!

10 week 4 day update

2007-11-12T13:51:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a quickie, sorry. My last ultrasound with the RE was last Wednesday. If this blog would let me I would upload the ultrasound picture because it is a trip, to me anyway. It actually looks like a real baby now! Just two weeks ago it was still a blob with a heartbeat and sort of a head but now it has arms and legs and it even moved while we were looking at it. Of course I started laughing and crying at the same time! It measured 30 mm at 9 weeks 6 days. When I asked the nurse what it should be she said she wasn't sure off the top of her head because she never sees people this far along. I'm so pathetic. But they all did seem genuinely happy to be able to see me at this stage. I chose a new OB (different from my reguar OB/Gyn) based on a recommendation. I figured I deserve to have someone great and easy to talk to and this new women came highly recommended by more than one person. My next appointment with her is a week from today but I don't get another scan until 20 weeks!!! How will I cope!

7 interesting things about myself

2007-11-06T09:10:00.000-08:00

First of all, can anyone tell me how to get the fertility thread image onto my stupid blog page? I have the image saved on my desktop as a .jpg and when I try to import it just sits there doing nothing. (I love the bracelet by the way, thank you dmarie). I hate to admit that I am not very computer savvy and I also don’t have the patience to figure it out mainly because I know it’s easy to do I just don’t know what I need to do. I have a Mac if that matters and I barely know how to use it. Anyway, I guess this can be the first of 7 things about myself that Kami asked me to post (thank you!)

1. I have incredible patience for some things….and NONE for others. For example, at work as a veterinarian I am very patient with students, techs, owners, animals etc. and detailed procedures. People have even commented on how patient and calm I always am even in critical situations. I also love to quilt (with a machine) and can sit for hours sewing and making sure everything lines up as perfectly as possible. BUT, when it comes to other things, the computer for example, I lose it. Or working in Excel trying to make a chart and it isn’t working and I know someone out there can do it in one second. I have no patience for that. I guess it’s the things I don’t care much about that I have no patience for and don’t want to take the time to learn.

2. (This might be a long post) I love to laugh more than anything. I find some things very funny and I laugh easily and I love the feeling. I especially love it when I get laughing so hard at something that I can’t stop. You know when you are in school or somewhere quiet and professional and something just strikes you as funny and because you are trying to stifle the laughter it just gets worse, I love that. One of my favorite things to watch is video bloopers. Not the goofy home videos but the out-takes from news or movies where people trip and fall or get attacked by animals. When I was young I loved to watch the Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies, they really made me laugh. When I saw Something About Mary in the movie theater I laughed so hard people were looking at me. Same thing with the Austin Powers movies. My mom tells me stories about growing up with 15 brothers and sisters and we die laughing. I don’t think I am very funny myself but I wish I were. I guess appreciating other funny people is sort of like being funny myself.

3. I am a huge procrastinator of some things. House cleaning is one thing I don’t usually procrastinate because I use it to avoid doing other things. I used to get some of my best house cleaning done around finals time because scrubbing the toilet always seemed like a good idea when I had a test coming up. I don’t usually procrastinate to the point of missing deadlines or being late but I do cause myself a lot of unnecessary stress because of it.

4. I dream in my sleep like crazy. When I was little I used to have the most vivid and bizarre dreams. I still remember some of them 30 years later. I dream nearly every night and I remember such detail. Sometimes I feel like I leave my body in my sleep and go to some other world and live a separate life. I used to sleep walk when I was young and talk a lot in my sleep. I still talk sometimes, I’m told.

5. I love spicy food. (Wow, what an interesting fact) My husband makes homemade salsa that makes my nose run but I could live off of the stuff. I haven’t noticed many cravings since becoming pregnant (maybe that’s an old wive’s tale) but I have been looking for things to eat that I can put jalapeños on. I know I am not as extreme as some people but I do love to sweat and sniff a lot while I am eating something spicy. The bad part is the next day when it comes out the other end ☹

6. I enjoy dark and macabre movies, books and art. I don’t like horror movies (watching the Friday the 13th 1-5 when I was a teenager really messed me up) but I do like dark, mysterious themes. I loved the book Wicked (more than the musical, but I loved that too). I like Agatha Christie movies and books, one of my favorite books is Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, I like all Tim Burton’s movies, I loved the Lemony Snicket books and movie and one of my favorite book author/illustrators is Edward Gorey (I know the Gashleycrumb Tinies by heart, but what fan of his doesn’t?). Not necessarily the same theme but sort of are the Muppets. I love the Muppets and my dream career (besides being a vet or a witch at Hogwarts or a star of Broadway musicals or a professional ballet dancer) has always been to be a muppeteer with Jim Henson and Frank Oz. I especially love the weird ones like Gonzo, he was always my favorite. Some day I would like to get involved with creating characters like those or bringing to life the characters from The Corpse Bride or The Nightmare Before Christmas. Which also means that I am a fan of Danny Elfman’s music. Do you think I will scare the shit out of my child?

7. The soon to be most interesting thing about myself is that I will be giving birth to a baby that is genetically related to another women who I do not know. I am scared shitless of this fact but I am also amazed at my own determination to experience the miracle (hate that cliché but nothing else works) of pregnancy and childbirth and my bravery for doing it even while not knowing how I will deal with telling the rest of my family, friends, acquaintances and the child itself. Not knowing how he/she will look and act or whether or not he/she will be able to handle the news and whether or not he/she will reject me for it. The desire to become a mother is so powerful in me that I am amazed at it and the lengths I will go and have gone to get there is pretty cool.

Well, that was fun! Thanks Kami for suggesting I do it. My next ultrasound is Wednesday. I will be 10 weeks on Thursday. Two more to go before I can take a small sigh of relief, then only 28 more before I can take a big sigh.

Two things

2007-10-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

First, the update. My ultrasound went well today. The baby measured 14 mm and I could make out the head for the first time. The heart was beating along, as it should. I have been feeling fine. Tired about every third day or so but after a three-hour nap and a full night sleep I am go to go again. After each ultrasound I get this incredible boost of happiness. I catch myself smiling for no reason and I just feel happy. Each time I see the baby and see how it has grown I feel like I am becoming more attached to it. I have been having some pregnancy anxiety dreams lately. Last night I dreamed that I had the baby and about 1-2 weeks later I realized that I had forgot to breast-feed. I guess we were feeding the baby formula but I freaked out and looked at my boobs and they were small. I was worried that I had dried up but when I tried it worked! The mind is a crazy thing. My next ultrasound is in two weeks. It will be the last one with my RE. I am sad to be leaving them but happy at the same time because it means things are good.

Ok, now for the other thing. I'm warning you all now that this is pretty gross and the only other person I will ever tell is my DH and he even thought it was gross. Now that I have your attention..... In addition to the PIO shot in the ass every night, I am using the Crinone progesterone vaginal cream that I have to put in my vag every night. Sometimes it leaks a little the next day but nothing too horrific. Well, one day last week while I was tinkling on the toilet I heard this little plop in the water. When I finished I looked in the toilet and there was a white ball of "cheese" sitting at the bottom. I stared at it for a few minutes going "what the fuck is that?" Then I realized that it was the accumulated progesterone cream that fell out of my vagina. I was so grossed out. I guess I didn't think about where the cream was going because of course it wasn't all being absorbed. So ever since then I have been waiting for it to happen again because now I know it must be in there. Well it's been at least a week and nothing had come out. I was really worried that when I went in for my ultrasound today the nurse pulled the wand out it would be full of cheese and I would die. So in the shower this morning (can't believe I am telling you this) I stuck my finger up there and dug out ball after ball of cheese. It was like impacted in there. It looked like crumbled feta cheese and it just kept coming. Each time I would have to mentally work myself up to dig it out again and I was talking to myself the whole time. I thought about asking the RE about it today at my appointment to make sure it was normal and that it was ok to get it out but I was too embarrassed and I didn't know how to say it. I can't believe they didn't warn me about this! I am learning more and more things during this whole process that people just don't tell you. So that is why I decided to share this embarrassing story with my blog friends in case this has happened to anyone else or at least to warn you that it could happen.

Anyway, I hope no one lost her appetite. Thanks for giving me the safe space to share all my experiences!

feeling fine

2007-10-22T17:22:00.000-07:00

Things are going fine so far. I've had a couple of not feeling good days but nothing much to talk about. I have another ultrasound on Wednesday where I hope to see a strong beating heart and a growing baby. My mom is coming for a visit which I am really looking forward to. I told my dad that I'm pregnant but not that it was thanks to a donor egg. It would be a little much for him to process at once. I shocked the hell out of him with the news even without the additional information. He's the type of dad who does better with less information. I do plan on telling him about how I became pregnant but I am thinking long and hard about how to approach it. I know he won't totally understand. If anyone has any advice on how they went about telling this bit of info to a sensitive family member, I would appreciate it.

6 wk 5 d update

2007-10-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, time is going by fast. I just got back from a conference and am just now getting around to updating. I had the second ultrasound today and I saw the heartbeat!!!! I am truly relieved now and finally feel like a real pregnant person. I don't want to do anything but sit here with my hand on my belly and think about that fluttering flicker on the ultrasound screen. It feels like such a miracle. We will start to tell the rest of our immediate family who don't already know but we are waiting for the official announcement until the 12 week point. My RE told me today that he will see me for two more ultrasounds then transfer me to my ob/gyn. I asked him if he couldn't please just keep me! He agreed to another ultrasound in a week as a compromise. I told him I needed to be cut loose gradually. They must think I am such a weirdo. Everyone at the office is happy and I think a little relieved for us.

All for now.

Feels like the 2ww

2007-10-04T16:27:00.001-07:00

Waiting for the first ultrasound feels like waiting for the first beta. Why can't I just have faith that things are fine?

SIL had her baby. I am happy and excited for them but still, those feelings of jealousy keep sneeking up even now when we have good news of our own. When I read everyone's posts about my beta and the possiblility of more than one I got on Google (which I am now banned from by DH by the way) and saw all the complications and risks to the babies. I just want to have a "normal" healthy pregnancy and delivery of one (or two) big, healthy babies. Speaking of multiples, when I told my husband about the possibility he said it made him sick to his stomach. I laughed so hard at that. Honestly I would love to have two at once because I know I would never have to endure this process again. But I'm afraid of the risks. God, I never used to be like this, a worry wort. I used to live life on the edge and without fear. Maybe it's because I'm getting older.

Latest beta

2007-10-02T09:17:00.001-07:00

Ok, the freak that I am...I just got the call from my RE nurse that my beta is 2076 today. I am at 19 days post ovulation or 4 wks 5 days gestation. It seemed higher than I was expecting based on the 108 beta 7 days ago and so of course I googled it and now I am worried about a molar pregnancy. Can anyone out there reasure me that I am still in the normal range?????

It seems like I've always been so disappointed about my low numbers for everything else that at first I was excited about it. Then I hung up the phone and started worrying. The nurse said the level looks great but I always worry that they don't tell me everything so as not to worry me. Great idea but I still manage to find something to worry about. I will have the ultrasound one week from today which will give me my answer but god, is it going to be a LONG week.

Now I will frantically search everyone's blogs for some references to hopefully put my mind at ease.

my butt is sore

2007-09-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

I got back in town today after attending a conference since last Wednesday. I had to give myself the PIO shots and I decided to do it in my butt since it appears it is less painful than the thigh. The first night I was a little anxious about it plus I was sharing a room with people that I didn't want to tell. I just went in the bathroom and I did it, just like that. And it didn't even hurt that much. I was so proud of myself for not turning it into a big ordeal and crying and jumping around trying to work myself up to it. I guess I knew I had no other choice and I thought about how much pain other people go through in life and this is no big deal. Well, all four nights went fine but I made myself bleed 3 out of the 4 times and my butt is really sore today. My husband does a much better job I guess so I'll be glad to hand the syringe back over to him. Plus, he can reach more areas.

I go in Tuesday for a second beta. I am still holding my breath until the first ultrasound. Then I think I will really believe it and be able to relax a little. Every once in a while I feel a little cramp in my uterus, I think. It worries me some but I hope it's normal. It really sucks being so hypersensitive that I can barely enjoy the fact that at least for now I am pregnant. Sometimes I think we IF's appreciate pregnancy and healthy birth more because of what we've been through to get there but it would be nice to be normal sometimes.

Until this week I had kind of forgotten about the fact that this was possible thanks to a DE. Now I am thinking about it again and I am feeling a little nervous. I am nervous about telling my dad and what he will think. I am nervous about how the baby will look and will people make comments if it looks very different from me. And what about nature vs. nurture. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing right now. I don't even think I would change the fact that it is not my egg because I know it is a very healthy egg and as a result a very healthy embryo that has an excellent chance of surviving a normal pregnancy and birth. It's just those annoying doubts that pop up every now and then. I hate that.

It's official, for now

2007-09-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

I hate that I have to qualify everything to cast the counter jinx, which my husband scolds me for but the blood test confirms.......I AM PREGNANT!!!! Holy shit, I am freaking out. My hcg was 108, I guess good especially because it's two days early. The RE said he would be happy if it was 50 on this day (7dp5dt). I go back in a week for another level then ultrasound a week after that. I will be much more relieved when I see the beating heart. But for now I am going to continue to live in ignorant bliss. We emailed a picture to our moms of the positive hpt this morning. DH was against it until we got the hcg results but I felt good about the third positive test in a row and each day the line got a little darker so I went for it. They are thrilled of course. Now I have to leave for a conference for the next 5 days!

6dp5dt

2007-09-24T06:04:00.000-07:00

So here's how the weekend went. Survived until Friday although DH asked me about every 5 minutes if I felt anything. Cute, but annoying. I did start to feel some things Friday. By the time the day was over I felt like my boobs had grown a cup size and were very sore. This is a very typical AF sign for me so I felt a little concerned. Let me say too that we have never even made it to the beta day without my period starting first which can be frustrating because our hopes are always dashed so soon. Anyway, when I got home DH started in and suggested I POAS. Of course I protested but then I thought well if it is positive then we can at least relax a little and if it's negative, well then it's way too soon anyway. Well, against my better judgment I practically ran to the bathroom and I did it. And it was negative. I was ok because I knew it was too soon. But I still felt a little let down. I took a short nap and while I was sleeping DH found some blogs and had 10 reasons we shouldn't worry based on what other women had said (thank you all for sharing your personal lives). I told him my concern about the boobs and again he kept saying it's the drugs don't worry. Well, then as I was putting make-up on later that night I noticed a small breakout on my chin, another typical pre-AF for me. DH swore some women said that they had breakouts on the drugs and early pregnancy. We went to Kol Niedre services that night and about three quarters of the way through I got this HUGE lump in my throat. The kind that hurt so bad that you have to release it. I had tears streaming down my face. Once I finally got a hold of myself I was ok for another 15 minutes then it started again. We left early, something I would normally never do. I bawled the whole way to the car. I was convinced that AF was coming and I was having a meltdown over it. I finally calmed down at home and we watched a movie called Volver http://www.sonyclassics.com/volver/ that we really liked by the way. So all day Saturday I was ok but a little blah. I decided to try again with the HPT on Sunday since that would be 4 days early and the EPT might detect it if it was there. Well, I did and stared at the thing and I could see the faintest of lines. I showed DH with caution and he immediately jumped onto the computer to see what a faint line meant. He concluded that it was a positive test. I didn't have the reaction I was expecting or had imagined. I just had a smile on my face all day long. Every time DH would just look at me I would smile. He even told me he noticed I smelled different that morning. I said what do I smell like?! And he said sweet. Of course I started crying and he made fun of me and said "There's no crying in pregnancy!"

So this morning I did it again. There is another pink line and it is a little darker! And, my boobs are still very sore which is unusual for me. The soreness pre-AF usually only lasts about a day. Yesterday I was feeling twinges in the area of my uterus, which was making me nervous. I realize that I am so hypersensitive right now that I could be making something out of nothing but screw it because I am going to enjoy this moment for now.

Did I already mention that we have never had a positive test or made it to the point of being able to test! So this is a big deal for us. Even if things go bad, we made it this far and it feels great.

Tomorrow is the official beta. We will wait for that before we really go ape shit but it is looking good so far!

Transfer went well, now the hard part

2007-09-19T05:51:00.000-07:00

We had the transfer yesterday. We did not have an update on the embryos on Monday so yesterday we were a little disappointed to learn that 2 stopped dividing and one was not looking so hot. But, we had three excellent looking blastocysts. The RE gave us the option of transferring all 3! We decided that the chance that this third great one would survive freezing and thawing for a FET if needed was slim so we agreed to go ahead and transfer it too! I was surprised that my RE even offered this option but I'm glad he did. I took a 3-hour nap yesterday afternoon and then lounged around the house for the rest of the night. This wait is torture. And it doesn't help that my husband asks me every 6 hours or so if I feel anything? Of course I don't, I wish I did. I feel sort of responsible for his disappointment if this doesn't work; he so wants it to and so do I. Since I am going out of town next Wednesday, my RE is letting me come in on Tuesday for the beta (2 days early). Then I will have it done again once I get back.

It's weird but I feel kind of blah today, a little down. Maybe it's that old friend doubt creeping in to try to protect me from a potential rough let down. Or maybe it's kind of an anticlimactic feeling after so much up and down over the past few weeks waiting for this point and now it's over and I don't feel any different. It could also be that I have this paper that I have been working on that is due very soon and I am nowhere near finished and I don't feel like writing it.

Anyway, here I am in the "2 ww" even though it will only be a 1 ww.

Better news

2007-09-17T08:28:00.000-07:00

Sunday's update was that there is one 8 cell grade four, five 10 cell all grade 3 and one 5 cell grade 3. The RE said the six were all above average looking and the grade 4 was perfect! We couldn't be happier. This the best news we have ever had and the most hopeful we have been in a LONG time. We go in tomorrow for the 5d transfer. I am looking forward to laying on the couch ALL DAY and letting those embryos do their thing. I will be out of town the day I am due to go in for the beta so I will have to wait until I get back 4 days later! But I am planning on taking a home test on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm a little nervous about how I will react if it is negative but I just can't think about that right now.

so far, so good

2007-09-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

Thursday was the retreival. They retrieved 11 eggs and we were very happy with that. Especially since we had begun to prepare ourselves for fewer than 8 based on follicle number. Everything went well with the retrieval. I just got the call this morning that they ICSI'd 10 eggs and 7 have fertilized and I am even more happy about that. We will get the next update on Sunday with the planned transfer on Tuesday. I was trying not to get my hopes up this time but it sure is difficult not to be excited. I guess it's normal and at least I have a deadline with work to keep me busy.

We have a date

2007-09-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got the call with the retrieval date-Thursday the 13th. We will have to miss Rosh Hashanah services but this is more important and maybe retrieval at the beginning of The New Year will give us good luck! Our donor has 8 follicles 1-19mm, 2-18mm, 2-17 mm and the rest are smaller. Her estradiol level was 1340. I am feeling a little disappointed in the cycle response. If we are lucky we will get 5 mature eggs. But at this point what can we do? I am hopeful that the "it only takes one" attitude will come through for us this time.

Has anyone had to give themselves the PIO injection? My husband usually does it but I am going out of town in 2 weeks, not great timing but I didn't know when I planned it, and I am going to have to give myself the IM injection every night. I will give it in my thigh but does anyone have any advice. I heard it hurts more than the hip, is it that bad?

Shana Tova!!

Sorry I've been away so long

2007-09-07T08:26:00.001-07:00

Gosh, I hardly know where to begin. After my last post I was excited to get the next cycle going and looking forward to a positive result. But as the day approached for the donor to begin injections I had not heard from my clinic about my start date or getting my drugs so I called. The donor had not started her injections in fact they hadn't heard from her since the beginning of summer. I began calling about every other day to see if they had heard from her yet. Meanwhile, I was watching the calendar days pass by knowing that each day she didn't start was another day we had to wait. The anxiety was almost unbearable. Finally, I got a message on my cell phone that she called and guess what, she is pregnant. Well great for her but FUCK! What about us?!! I don't know if she got pregnant on the pill or just stopped taking it. It's her life and she by no means has to be an egg donor but FUCK, we waited for her for two months before the time was convenient for her and she came very highly recommended because she was a proven donor in the past. We could have found someone else and this could all be in my past now. I was as sad as I could be. You all know the feeling; it really screws up your life for that time until you can move on.

Well, we did move on and we have a new donor, still anonymous, who happened to answer an ad the clinic placed that very weekend. She is married and has children already, thankfully. She checked out fine and we are now in the thick of the stimulation. The big source of stress now is that she has never donated before so we don't know how she will respond to the drugs. Also, she is a little older than most donors, 32. Her first ultrasound was yesterday and she has 8 follicles between 9-11 mm after 7 days of stimulation. Of course I cried when I found out because I want her to have 20 follicles. I know it's quality that matters but I am just such an emotional basket case. I am on lupron and estrogen now and the tears just come so readily. Tomorrow she has another ultrasound and blood work and I go in for a check up of my uterine lining. We will go to retrieval on Tuesday or Wednesday. I am sad to say that if this doesn't work I'm not sure I will choose to do it again. Maybe I'm wimpier than other women or maybe I don't want it bad enough but the emotional toll this is taking on me is, well, exhausting.

On a lighter note, I want to say something about how I feel about this woman who is donating for me. I know she doesn't know me, and I know she is getting a chunk of change for doing it, but I feel this incredible connection to her for what she is (hopefully) giving me. I love her and I have no idea who she is. I wish I could tell her how I feel; to let her know how special and important what she is doing is to me. I also want to let her know that if this results in a baby, how much I will love and care for that child. I know it will not be her baby but that baby will have a piece of her and I want her to know that the baby will be loved above all else. I hope that I meet an anonymous egg donor one day so I can tell them what they did for someone else.

In some ways I wish this were a more open topic in social circles because I'm sure there are other women in my community, I probably talk to them every day, which have gone through IVF or have donated and it could be such a powerful and wonderful connection. I am fairly open now but not as much as I want to be. I want to run up to people who I think might be struggling and tell them what I've been through. Problem is, not every 40 year-old childless woman would have chosen children if given the option. Frankly, I'm just a step away from one of those women too. I definitely did not grow up with a life-long desire to be a mom. But I also didn't have my husband growing up and I did not feel this deep love inside me that I want to give to another human being.

I know I will be ok if this doesn't work. And I will find a way to express my love even if it isn't for a child of my own. I am reading a book called Eat, Pray and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and she talks about the issue of to have or not to have children. I love the way she describes the social implications because I feel that way too. Maybe I want children because it's what married couples do and I don't know what to do with myself in family situations otherwise. As my husband and I are now becoming the last of the generation to start a family it feels more and more awkward at family gatherings because is seems like that is all people talk about. Luckily we have cool careers that most people think fills our time and satisfy us but still, there is an obvious taboo amongst the extended family about children talk. Maybe they suspect something is wrong or maybe they know. I think if we never have children we better find a great group of childless friends to hang out with. People who have something to talk about other than their children. Of course, if we do get to have a child then I will probably be the first to show off my photos at every get-together.

Well, thank you all for "listening." I am sorry I am not a more reliable blogger. I know it is selfish. I think of you all often and now I am off to check up on all of you. I'll keep you posted on how this cycle turns out.

May the force be with you. Because I don't know what the hell else to call it :)

Update

2007-07-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd update my blog in in case anyone still checks in. I started bcp a couple of weeks ago. The tentative plan is for donor to start stim meds around August 6th and shoot for a retrieval/transfer around August 21st. I still have moments of doubt that I am a little afraid to admit to anyone but I just attribute this to the abnormally prolonged amount of time I have to think about it. Sometimes thinking to much can make one feel crazy. I also think I am suffering from mild depression. I am trying not be too hard on myself given all I am dealing with but sometimes I just get a little down and don't feel like doing much. I do have more moments of excitement about the next cycle. I am anxious to get started. I have found some great egg donor blogs that really help. Soon I will reorganize my site to include them for other people. It's weird how you want to change your associations when your own status changes. I still check in with the other sites but sometimes I feel like an outsider now that I am on to DE.

That's all I feel like writing for now. More later.

Not pregnant, again

2007-05-20T17:05:00.001-07:00

I was just inspired to write again after reading Watson's latest post and laughing out loud! I really need people like you and I am sorry I have not been contributing to the community recently. Partly I am a procrastinator and I can always think of 10 things I should be doing with my time rather than "messing around" on the computer. But the truth is, I rely on everyone's blogs to help me deal with my own life and I really want to give back. I wish I was a better writer for you all but I am what I am.

After my last canceled IVF, I realized I could go to the conference after all. So I did. It was great and I am so glad I went. For any of you out there thinking I "created" the canceled IVF so I could go to the conference that I really wanted to go to, fuck off. We humans can be so arrogant thinking we can change physical realities with our thoughts, it's a bunch of crap really. The truth is, there is someone in my life that thinks like this, who I love, and I don't have the heart to tell him or her I think it is insane so I am taking it out on anyone reading this.

Anyway, we are moving on to a donor egg. I am excited about it. Maybe I am in denial but I think I have had long enough to roll it over in my mind and now I am ok with it. I told my husband the other day that one day this precious little girl (?) is going to walk up to us and say mommy, daddy ...something cute... and we are going to be glad my eggs sucked because we wouldn't have THIS one! I know it's corny and way too positive but that is where I am at now and I have to do what it takes to be at peace with not having a genetic child.

Now my depressing, pessimistic personality is chiming in to remind you all that I know that DE does not come with a 100% success rate. Whatever, go away.

The cycle won't take place until August, ugh. I am going to enjoy the break though.

Just blanked on what else to say so I guess I'll say good-bye for now.

uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

2007-04-30T12:29:00.000-07:00

My IVF cycle was canceled due to poor response.

I have one follicle, how pathetic. I am almost embarassed to write that for everyone to read. I feel like such a failure. We will do the IUI in the one in a million chance that it could still work. We will now begin the process of a donor egg cycle. I am going through waves of sadness and feelings of dispair. I know there are worse things in life but it still hurts.

I just hope so much that the DE works. I always have such optimism before each new attempt but by now I have been burned so many times that I am losing that optimism.

I don't have anything else to day right now.

Back in touch

2007-04-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

After the last failed cycle I left blogland for a while but now I am back. Like some others have already expressed, I became so tired of thinking about nothing else but fertility and I needed a break. Now that I have started another cycle I need my blog friends again. Not that I didn’t need you before but I was too hurt to maintain the connection.

Today was my first ultrasound/bloodwork after starting drugs on Monday. I have one 12mm follicle on the left with maybe a couple more little ones, and nothing really to speak of on the right. I am not on lupron this time and I really thought that would make the difference. Not that I expected 20 something follicles but at least a few more than last time. As usual I didn’t take the news very well and though I thought I had it together emotionally this cycle, I started crying in the ultrasound room. Luckily the people, well really the one person I see every time, is so wonderful and supportive. I feel bad crying to her because there is nothing she can do. It must be a terrible burden to bear every day, dealing with these women struggling to get pregnant who are on loads of tear and rage producing medications.

I asked again about the donor egg option because it is not looking good for us. I know it is very early in the cycle but I am not going to delude myself. After talking to my man, we decided to go ahead with the current cycle if we get one good follicle and see what we get at retrieval. This is our last IVF with our own genetic material before moving on to DE. I don’t think it’s too soon to move on based on my history of lack of response to injectables. This is our third IVF cycle before 3 IUI’s and my response has been the same for all i.e. sucky.

I have been going to an acupuncturist for three weeks now. I went today right after my ultrasound appointment. It is ok, not the most relaxing 45 minutes of my day but not horrible except….when he stimulates points on the inside of my ear!!!!! It hurts so badly and I cringe and make faces and he just says “oh, very sensitive.” Ya think? I try to just bear it and tell myself it’s opening up some blocked energy in my ovaries, or some shit like that. I am pretty sure that you don’t actually have to believe in acupuncture in order for it to work. At least that’s what I tell myself. One thing I like about all you IF bloggers out there is that you don’t talk a lot about positive thinking and all that crap. You are realistic and honest and I really appreciate it. Anyway, I must believe in it some or I probably wouldn’t go. At least I’ll be able to say I did everything I could to become pregnant, right?!

Before we started trying to get pregnant I used to say, “I have no problem being a 40 year old mom.” I was so naïve. Then when we started clomid I used to say, “Oh, that woman had to do IVF to have her baby.” Now I say, “Wow, that woman is so lucky that IVF worked for her.” I am still fighting feelings of jealousy and pity. I hope they go away, if not soon, eventually.
I hope to have something else to write about soon.

downer post

2007-04-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

I was doing great these lasts few weeks or so, not thinking about getting pregnant, infertility, injections, bloodwork, schedule etc., etc. But now, I have started again. I have started thinking about things, wondering if we are doing the right thing. I had to make the decision to start the next cycle ASAP or wait so that I could go to a conference in May. I have already paid for the conference and I was so looking forward to it. It will be interesting and is a good opportunity to network so that when my husband finishes his residency next year I will have some job opportunities. I decided to give up the conference in order to start the next cycle. Naturally I am second-guessing my decision. If it works this time...well, enough said. But if it doesn't will I be regret that I didn't just have some patience and wait until the timing was better. I feel as though I am having to choose between my career and having a baby. If getting pregnant were a guarantee then there would be no question, I would put off my career. But the fact is that there is no guarantee so putting off my career may haunt me in the end.

I fucking hate this and I am sick of it. I hate it for every post I read that expresses pain and disappointment. I hate it that so many of us are conflicted about the donor egg issue when it would solve so many of our problems. I hate it that the drive to give birth to a biological child is so strong that we go through hell to try to do it. I hate what my mind does to me. I hate wishing my days and weeks away, which is all I seem to have done non-stop for the past 12 months.

I haven't visited the blogs since my last failed IVF. I think that is partly how I was able to forget about it all for a while. Reading the posts can be depressing for me sometimes. Even reading the posts announcing success sometimes makes me feel like a failure. I am happy for those who are successful but I feel sad for myself too. But, ick, I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate myself sometimes. God help me if I ever have a miscarriage like some of you I have read about. How do you pick yourself up after that? Sometimes I am almost afraid to get pregnant because of the high risk of miscarriage. How fucked up is that? Some new age therapist would have a field day with me. How I am blocking myself from conception because of fear and negative thoughts etc. Whatever!

I'm sorry to anyone who actually read this. I hope I didn't depress you too much. On a lighter note, has anyone been watching Planet Earth Sunday nights? It is wonderful and takes me out of my selfish self for a while. There is more to life than having kids, right?!

short update

2007-03-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite in the mood for a long post so this is just an update. I had a glimmer of hope last Sunday afternoon when AF left the building suddenly and didn't return. I was too afraid to take the HPT so I waited for the blood test the following Wednesday. I have to admit I became hopeful because it was so unusual for me to have a very light period for half a day then stop and not start before the 14 day point. I had to wait an agonizing 5 hours for the nurse (fabulous human being, for another post) to call with the results. I'll never do that again! Well, it was negative. I wasn't too upset, still just pissed off.

I am starting BC tonight, acupuncture appointment tomorrow, appointment with RE on Wednesday to discuss plan. We are going for it one more time hopefully without Lupron and more stimulation drugs!

Come on ovaries, I know you've got it in you to give me some more eggs!!!

another failed cycle, what's new

2007-03-18T16:46:00.000-07:00

Last night all of a sudden I could sense AF coming. It's pretty cool how sensitive I have become to my body now that I am paying attention. Then there was the pink hue on the toilet paper that very consistently signals the inevitable. I even cried on cue last night and yesterday I ate 12 yellow peeps in one sitting! That probably had nothing to do with anything, I just lost control. I broke the news to my husband when we went to bed. He is very disappointed. I am too of course but it didn't take it nearly as badly as the news that I only had 2 follicles this cycle to begin with. That was probably due to the mega doses of drugs I was on at the time. This time I completely skipped the denial and sadness stages and jumped right to being pissed off. Irritated is more like it. I'm tired of being angry but I am annoyed. It sounds so petty as I write it but it really is how I feel.

I am becoming more bitter. I am still terribly jealous of the family member who is pregnant. The most jealous I have ever been of anyone for anything. It's the nasty kind of jealously. Not wishing bad things but don't want to say her name or see her, ever. I even hope I become pregnant just so I have an excuse not to fly out for the shower. Of course then I probably wouldn't mind the shower but I don't want to go if I'm not pregnant. Isn't that horrible?

We have discussed the plan and we have decided to go right into IVF #2 even with my less than stellar ovaries. The RE says he can try a different protocol and eliminate lupron and add on antagon. Has anyone out there been on that protocol before and did it give better results? He still says he thinks I'll only produce 4-5 follicles so right off the bat my chances are not great. But, I did get one good-looking blastocyst from one of two follicles last time so I guess there's hope.

We have also begun discussing donor egg. I am pretty freaked out by it and would love to hear from anyone who has done this. It would be an anonymous donor although my sweet sister did offer her eggs, she's 37! I thanked her but told her that her ovaries are probably as shriveled as mine. Her kids are 14 and 9 years old!

We've also decided not to tell anyone that we are going ahead with the next cycle. I am sick and tired of reporting to everyone and I just want to be alone with this one, except from blogland of course.

I am ready for this phase of my life to be in the past. I am just tired. And to put the icing on the cake, I will turn 39 one month from today. My time is running out!

On that pleasant note, can someone tell me how to put other people's link on my site? I am not that great with computers and I don't have a lot of patience.

Transfer!!

2007-03-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

Holy cow, I am beside myself with joy that I had my little lone embryo transferred today!!! Each day that the doctor reported to me that it continued to divide was a releif then on to the next step. I don't even want to move right now because I'm afraid it will fall out or not get comfortable in there. I know this is not the case but I guess it wouldn't hurt to lie around today. After feeling so defeated when I wasn't responding to the medication and having to practically beg my RE to do the retrieval anyway, I am just so thrilled so at least be to this point right now.

I'm watching bringing home baby and this mother is a hag She is not very nice to her husband and she is just a very serious and not a fun person. The next story is better. it is a couple who went through fertility treatment! This woman is a little bossy too! God, I hope I am not like that to my husband.

Anyway, next wait is 9 days until the pregnancy test!!

hopes dashed a bit or hooray, we've got one!

2007-03-08T11:54:00.000-08:00

Well, only one egg fertilized and so far looks good. I am happy about that but disappointed that my chances have decreased with the other egg not fertilizing as well. Now we have to wait two more agonizing days for the report on the single embryo. UUUUGGGHHH! At least we still have a chance. These waiting periods are pure agony. It would be great if I could work on other things that I need to get done but I have a difficult time focusing on anything else. I hate that feeling!

I'm starting a yoga class tonight that I hope helps me to cope and relax. The husband and I are going to get out of town for some fun and different scenery this weekend. If that little embryo manages to hang on for the weekend then we'll have him/her transferred on Monday, god I hope.

Thinking of you all in the same boat!

Retrieved 2 eggs from my 2 fabulous follicles!

2007-03-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

Well, I went for retrieval today. Since I only had two follicles I was hoping to get two eggs but I would have been happy with one. It's funny how you start out in this process in one frame of mind and come out on the otherside completely different. My expectations are much lower now than they were when I started but I also see small progress as the most exciting news ever!

So he got two eggs and I was thrilled! The retrieval itself was quick and easy. The RE even joked with me that it would only take him 30 seconds. When the embryologist called through the window that they "got one" with the first aspiration I asked, through my drug induced fuzziness, if it was just the juice or if there was an egg in the juice too? The doctor looked at my like "what the hell are you talking about?" Luckily my husband was able to translate for him. We will find out tomorrow morning if they fertilized. We are doing ICSI because we can't afford to leave anything to chance. If things progress, I'll go in for transfer on Monday.

I have had some anxiety about the progesterone injections since the HCG site hurts for a couple of days after the injection. While I try to keep a good attitude and not lash out at my husband too much, I had to set him straight when it comes to the IM injections. I can do every other injection myself but I cannot bring myself to jab a needle in my own butt. He tries to joke and make light of the situation but tonight I said "ok now don't f**k around and just give me the shot." He did, and it didn't hurt at all. I am worried about the next week when I start getting sore and run out of places to stick it!

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Reading your stories and comments has been great stress relief. Even better than the red wine I've had to give up!

already feel welcome

2007-03-05T15:42:00.000-08:00

Thanks to those who have written already. I have been hesitant to get involved with online stuff partly because the sites I have found have been so dang depressing, until now. Also, I was afraid that if I focused too much on the fact that I am "infertile" (I still cringe as I write that) then this would have a negative impact on what I am trying to achieve. I also think there was a little bit of denial about how important this is to me. By down playing the fact that I really want to give birth to our biological baby (have to be specific about what I want) then I won't be so devastated if it doesn't work out the way I planned. Sometimes I feel ashamed at how upset and disappointed I am when there are such worse things happening to people all over the world. In that sense too I don't want to focus on all the negative shit on my blog. I will try not to but there will be days that I need to let off steam. If anyone can understand it's you all who are reading this and that is why I am here, so thank you for being here too.

I'll know Thursday morning if either of my follicles contained an egg. How pathetic but I think I must enjoy living life on the edge.

help me I'm a virgin blogger

2007-03-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

I am going in for my first retrieval on Wednesday and I'm looking for some blogging friends. How does this work? I hate the message boards on infertility websites but I like reading everyone elses stories, they make me laugh. Would someone be so kind as to briefly explain this process to me?

My story is that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 1/2 years. We finally went to my ob/gyn who prescribed clomid which we wasted 4 months trying. Then we went to an RE for further evaluation. Nothing abnormal could be found so I guess I am just old. We tried two IUI's then did a third when my first IVF was canceled due to poor response. I am on my second cycle for IVF and have just two follicles but they are beautiful. My RE wanted to cancel this IVF too but I asked him to let us go to retrieval anyway. We were even kicked out of the shared risk program! We have discussed donor egg and it has been a rough week for me. I hesitated posting my sob story online for fear of the jinx but then I thought maybe it would actually be a counter jinx so here I am.

I really enjoy reading other women's honest accounts of this jacked up process.