She's here!

She was born on June 14th at 10:00am. She weighed 6 lbs 15 oz and was 19 inches long.

I wont' even bother apologizing for taking so long to update because I know you all understand. I am trying to write this now while nursing so it will be short. We went in Friday evening June 13 and had the laminaria placed in my cervix to hopefully make it dilate. The process was uncomfortable but not bad. That night I had a little cramping but nothing much else. Saturday morning we went in at 8:00 and I was hooked up to the fetal heart monitor and contraction monitor. The doctor removed the laminaria and I was 1.5 cm dilated! She then placed cervadil to get contractions started. Things were going well until about 9:30 when the nurse came in and at the same time the baby moved out of the way of the heart monitor. When she found the heart beat again it was 50 bpm. The nurse immediately called in the other nurses, put my bed down, put an oxygen mask on my face, placed an IV catheter and paged the doctor all in about 5 minutes. I was a little freaked out but I remained very calm. My husband was there and my mom was planning on getting there at 10:00. The doctor came in and it happened again so she placed an internal monitor. That process pretty much sucked. Once it was in the baby's heart rate was fine and the doctor started talking to me about the possibility of a c-section just in case and while she was talking the heart rate dropped again to 40 bpm. At that point the doctor said, "It looks like were going for a c-section." I said ok. They wheeled me in, slammed in the spinal block (I mean it took 30 seconds but didn't hurt) and started cutting. The baby was born at 10:00! She had defecated in utero and swallowed some of the amniotic fluid. They took her to the nicu for observation. My husband followed her the whole time and when they got the the nicu the attending asked when the baby was doing there because she was fine and didn't need to be there. Anyway, when I heard that I felt much better. They watched her while they closed me up. I told several nurses that I wanted to breast feed as soon as possible. The took me to recovery and brought my beautiful daughter to me and I was able to nurse her at 11:20. Not too bad since they say you should try to nurse within 30-60 minutes after birth. They took her to the nursery after that while I recovered and then the rough part started. I was incredibly nauseas. I vomited every 15 minutes for about 2 hours. It was miserable. It took about an hour for me to warm up in recovery then they took me to my room and brought the baby in. I was trying to nurse her and vomit at the same time. I managed to do it but that first day was rough. I barely remember my friend coming to visit me. I was really tired too. My mom stayed in the room with me the first night because I needed more help than my poor husband could manage. The baby roomed in with us and my mom would hold her until she wanted to nurse then I would nurse her and give her back to my mom who would do everything else. Neither of us slept that whole first night. The second night was similar but I was able to get up and be a little more helpful. I was planning on going home after 48 hours. My doctor gave me the option of staying 2 or 3 days. By the second day however I was really exhausted and so was my mom so I decided to stay the third day. It was the best decision I made. I sent my mom home the third night so she could get a good night sleep and I had the nurses take care of the baby over night while I slept. I kept her until around midnight then they brought her to me at around 3am and 6am. I was able to sleep for a couple of hours in between and if was great. Plus it was nice not having anyone else around so I could just spend time with my precious baby girl. Things have been going great ever since.

Nursing is going pretty well. She cluster feeds during the day and I think my mom and mother-in-law think I'm insane but I'm telling you she wants to nurse about every 30 minutes to 1 hour. She sleeps for about 3 hours at a stretch overnight which is great for me. I have been pumping and able to build up enough milk for a car trip nearly every day. This means about 3-4 ounces. I wish I could build up more of a supply. I really need to get a breastfeeding book to get some tips and advice. I am planning to start working two 12 hour shifts and the baby will be 8 weeks old. My husband will be with her while I am at work which is great because we won't need daycare. I am not sure I will have enough milk for him to last 12 hours. Does anyone have any experience they can share.

As far as the donor egg issue. Not one anymore. I love this little girl more than I ever thought possible and I can't imagine my life without her. In fact I had decided before that I would not go back on the pill because the optimist in me thought what if I was able to get pregnant on my own by some miracle. Well, now I am having second thoughts because what if I did manage to get pregnant on my own then I would have a full biological child and I don't ever what this baby to feel anything other than completely loved and wanted. How do people manage this issue. Anyway, I'm sure it's pure fantasy anyway and nothing I need to worry about right now.

4 days overdo

Well, here's how it went. I went in last Thursday night, the night before my due date, and had cervidil placed at 6:45 p.m. I started having contractions at 1:30 a.m. The cervidil was taken out at 6:45 the next morning and I was still not dilated at all. Then my doctor placed cytotec and checked me again 4 hours later, still no dilation. After one more double dose of cytotec and 4 hours later, still no dilation!!! I was having decent contractions but not incredibly uncomfortable and obviously completely unproductive. At about 6 p.m. Friday not I was started on oxytocin to see if that would result in stronger contractions and subsequent dilation. Those contractions were more dramatic but still not unbearable. The rate was slowly increased up to about half max and at 10:00 that night still NO DILATION!!! Needless to say I was a little frustrated at that point. After talking to the doctor about my options we decided to quit. I stayed over night for observation and fetal monitoring and was discharged Saturday morning. I continued to have some contractions over the next couple of days. I had an appointment yesterday and still NO DILATION. The plan now is to go in Friday evening to have Laminaria placed. Then I will go home and hopefully my cervix will dilate 1-2 cm overnight. I will be admitted to the hospital on Saturday morning for the induction. Hopefully it will be successful this time.

As far as our move across the country...the closing has now be changed to remote, the movers have been instructed to put off delivery for several days and we are trying to change our flights. What a royal hassle. The good news is that we are very happy where we are staying for the time being. Our friend has been good enough to put us up. I can't nest much or do anything to set up the baby's room but I am managing.

The great news is that the baby tolerated last weekend's induction attempt very well. The heart rate never decreased and the baby continued to move regularly. I am very happy and thankful about that.

I am ready. Is that obvious? I would be a little more patient if it wasn't for this move. The timing is just bad. Figures, right?

8 days left on my countdown clock

Last night was the breastfeeding class. It was the best class we've had so far. I learned a lot. Dh came along mostly at my request and was pretty good. It occurred to me last night that I think he may have a touch of ADD. All the other partners were quiet and paying attention, at least they looked like they were paying attention. But my "partner" was coughing, fidgiting, whispering commentary, reading the handouts etc. There were a couple of times during the class that I kinda wanted to giggle but I held back. Especially during the video showing breastfeeding simulation with animation. I think my mouth dropped open when I saw how far in the mouth the nipple was sucked. I wanted to laugh but I managed to keep it in. One very funny moment was when the nurse was describing how you can use an ice cube to bring the nipple out more and when she finished this description and the room was silent dh let out a "huh?" Then quickly tried to cover it by clearing his throat. The nurse then went on to thank all the partners for being there to support the mothers etc. We laughed really hard about it later. The other kinda comical moments were when the nurse kept emphasizing how you need to nurse every 2-3 hours AROUND THE CLOCK! Every time she said that dh and I looked at each other with big eyes with the thought holy shit! He told me last night that maybe he would go sleep in the other room for the first month since I would be up all night breastfeeding and what would he do? I said, how about change the diaper and burp the baby. Then he said, "oh." We are actually having a lot of fun joking about how the hell we are going to manage the transition. I hope we do well and can still laugh a few weeks into it.

I have everything we need for the beginning. We are living with a friend until the baby is born and we can move into our new house a couple of weeks later so the conditions are not ideal. We have a co-sleeper, some clothes a car seat and some diapers, oh and a wipe warmer that my friend gave me :) Other than that I don't think we need much else at least for now.

I'm still trying to decide whether or not to go for the induction on my due date if conditions are favorable and I haven't gone on my own. I am conflicted because I want to let things go naturally but I also want to see this baby and be able to move into our new house! My doctor only lets her patients go 1 week past their due date anyway. It's tough to not be able to plan things especially when so much of this journey has been planned. Now I have to "wait and see." It's not easy to do.

37 1/2 weeks / mood swings

Saturday was our childbirth class at the hospital. We had to go the all day route because our schedule wouldn't work with the weekly class. I have been having some difficulty understanding DH lately because he doesn't seem as interested in talking about baby stuff nearly as much as I am. He talked a lot during the newborn care class and made fun of the instructor and people in the class. I admit that the instructor was a little too cutesy and condescending at times but I wanted to learn anything I could while hubby just rolled his eyes. He brought something else to read (granted he is studying for a major exam right now) in case the childbirth class got boring too. Right off the bat when we got there and had to put our names on a name tag and wear them in class he wrote his name in a way that was illegible. I hate to be a nag but I went ahead and said "Do you think anyone will be able to read that?" I mean sometimes he does things a little bit on purpose to make a point. Maybe he was communicating that he didn't want to be there and maybe he wasn't but I, of course, assumed the former and I started crying just as the class started. I went to the bathroom and cried for a while then came back. As the class went on we watched a video of a baby being born and the mother in the video was so excited and crying that I started crying and had to leave the room again. I'm sure the other couples were wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I almost couldn't come back because I was so overcome with emotion. DH came out to check on me and I managed to pull it together again and we finished the class. Later he talked to me for a while about how he is excited and has been putting too much importance on the exam and not enough on the baby etc. etc. It was very nice to hear especially since I didn't have to ask. I know he is as happy as I am about the baby and he has been very supportive but sometimes I don't understand why it's not the only thing he thinks about and he doesn't understand why I can't think of anything else. I know I probably don't need all these classes or to read all the books but I am just scared and I want to be a good mom. He thinks we can just go with the flow and I think it's very scary to know we will soon be responsible for another living being (other than our pets) who relies on us for everything including emotional support and I just hope I can give it.

Other than the mood swings and a little bit of lower back pain I have no other physical signs right now. I have not had any contractions that I know of and from what my friend tells me I will know. I will still have the OB check my cervix tomorrow at my appointment just for fun :) It would be better if I had the baby closer to my due date but I am so excited to meet him or her that I want it to happen NOW! I'm not yet to the point of misery with my big belly and I'm not sure I ever will be. In fact I am a little nervous that I will really miss being pregnant especially since this could be it for me. I am worried that I will look at other pregnant women with envy again after the baby is born. Is that silly or what. I really hope I don't. It is a shame that finally becoming pregnant after infertility does not "cure" one of all those fears and negative emotions. I just hope I am able to "let it go" after the baby gets here so I don't pass those shitty feelings onto him or her. Maybe once I get my body back (or at least some of it) I will realize how good it feels to be able to do normal things again like tie my shoes and put on socks. I have had dreams of running lately. I look forward to being able to do that again!

That was a bit of a ramble but now you have an idea of where I am emotionally right now.

Thanks for reading!

I am still here!

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted. I am sorry to anyone who cares! I have been incredibly busy. I finished and defended my Masters in April, we sold our house and moved out 3 days ago and we bought a new house half way across the country! I have hardly had time to think about my pregnancy but that is not really true because I look at my belly in awe every day! Things are going great! I feel great and have had no real problems. I have hardly complained at all, according to my husband. I did have some really bad acid reflux problems starting about a month ago. After several different medications and some lifestyle adjusments things are MUCH better. I still get the occasional bout but nothing like before.

I am now having weekly check-ups with my OB. So far I am 50% thinned with no dilation. I have not had any contractions other than Braxton Hicks which I have had almost the whole time. I am officially due June 6th. My mom is coming out on June
1st the day my husband leaves to take his board exam! He'll be gone until the 3rd. Hopefully I don't go into labor while he is away. If I am showing signs of impending labor but have not started by June 6th then I have asked my doctor to induce me. We are closing on our new house on June 16th and I am scheduled to fly out on June
19th. We are getting some flack for trying to make plans around a baby but shit, everything related to this baby has been planned so why not this?! Right?! Anyway, we'll see how everything works out but I have told the baby that anytime on June 4,5 or 6 will work out great for us :)

I had two baby showers that were just great. I cried a lot especially when I opened the first gift. I really felt like it's my turn for a change and I was very emotional. I guess I am ready for the baby. I have a car seat, some diapers and clothes. Since we are living with a friend right now I have no baby room to decorate. The baby will be born with no real address, practically homeless, but to loving parents and great friends. When we move in June I'll be able to decorate a nursery for the baby and by then I'll know what it is and can really go to town. Plus my mom and mother-in-law will be there which only means one thing, shopping and mom's paying!

We are moving to massachusetts so if anyone out there in blogland wants to meet I would love it.

That's it for now. I will keep you posted since now that I am not working and living in a basement, I have nothing to do but think and play on the computer.

6 random things about myself

Thanks, Stacyb, for the tag

The Rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I nickname animals and people. All my pets have at least 3 different names. My Greyhound, for example, is named Cheyenne. I also call her Shiny and Sticks because her legs are long and thin like sticks. When thinking of baby names, we took into consideration nicknames and sure enough the girl name we chose has 3 variations!

2. I drink a glass of orange juice every morning with breakfast, never fail. I will let the cupboards go bare (because I hate grocery shopping) but if I see the OJ is getting low I take a trip to the store because my morning is not complete without it. I like lots of pulp by the way.

3. This is harder than I thought...um...I love to laugh. A youtube video that makes me roll laughing is the cat that says "oh long johnson." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONmhQJy1ViA&feature=related
I hope you think it's funny too.

4. I leave crumbs on the counter and it drives my husband crazy. He doesn't rinse his spit in the sink after brushing his teeth and that drives me crazy.

5. I listen to Broadway musical soundtracks and Blink 182.

6. I'm addicted to Project Runway for reasons that I am not aware of.

I've tagged dmarie, feebee and serenity!

24 weeks today!

Well, I have officially entered the third trimester. What a relief. As well as things are going I still worry, as I know you all understand all too well. I asked my OB what the "magical" numbers were for successful results with an early labor. She said the first cut off is about 24 weeks but not without serious complications and a difficult road for the baby. The next cutoff is 28 weeks when survival and a chance at a good outcome are good. I am sorry that I still have these negative thoughts. It's hard not to and I guess in a way still a sorry attempt at self-preservation. Like if I somehow know the facts that I will be able to handle it better if things go bad. Of course I know that nothing makes it easier to handle. I have been visualizing myself sleeping in bed with my healthy, full-term baby in the co-sleeper next to me sleeping soundly.

I have been terribly sick this week with the flu. Even though I was vaccinated, I guess I caught a different strain. It was the sickest I have been since I can remember. I was worried about the baby but the OB nurse gave me guidelines and reassured me. I am over the worst of it now. The baby has been moving like crazy the past 3 days. Probably because there is no action on the outside to stimulate him/her. I have been bed-ridden and sleeping most of the time, other than vomiting.

I bought a glider rocking chair. It's made by Dutailier and it's the biggest one they had. I love it! It's very roomy and comfy and I sit in it every night. I wonder if the baby feels me rocking? I look forward to holding the baby in my arms while I am sitting in it. We are fortunate in that several family members and friends have offered baby furniture and supplies so we don't have much to buy. So we decided to splurge on the rocking chair and I am considering splurging on a stroller. It's fun to finally start thinking about these things.